identity / life / memories / moments / personal / secrets / spirit

Growing Pains

Lately my emotions have been exercised a bit more than usual. Almost every experience or encounter I have, in one way or another, has some kind of negative tinge to it. There are days I can feel the negativity in the air while there are other days I start out hopeful, only to be met with something that has to ruin it entirely. It’s sometimes really disheartening and it starts becoming extremely difficult for me to persevere and push through it. I find myself wanting to be alone more than ever. I’m still inspired by what’s happening around me, I just find solace in practicing my inspiration solo. Things I once brushed off as “normal” or things I once thought I didn’t care about are starting to come back to the surface and taunt me. There’s a ton around me to be thankful for, my family especially. I know I’ve neglected spending ample time with them lately and it’s one of my goals to fix that. Besides that, however, I don’t think I’m as happy as I can be right now. Understand, this is normal. I’m not going into a depression or anything of the sort. There are just a number of factors that surround me that are contributing to this impeding feeling of frustration. It feels as if I’ve been harboring multiple emotions and I’m not exactly sure why they are manifesting now, but I can only imagine there’s a lesson to be learned at the end of it. I’m growing tired of monotony. Working at Disneyland, you’d never think that it’s something I would experience.. but oh how wrong that thought would be. I adore the people I work with, though, at the same time the environment is becoming dull to me and less enchanting. I desire something new, something that will challenge me. I want to not be another cog in the machine, not just another number. Sure, there benefits associated with where I am..but it’s no life for me. I knew this was bound to happen eventually, it was only a matter of time. This feeling has come and gone in waves and the sensation is building up inside of me more than ever. I’m thankful for everything I’ve experienced, but I also think it may be time for me to start a new chapter soon– and that means completely new. In addition to these mental hardships I’m facing as of late, there’s also been a particular disturbance in something else I would have otherwise considered to be perfect. It’s not anymore and it’s not exactly as delightful as it once was. This disturbance leaves me full of angst, disappointment, along with constant state of annoyance. It’s maddening because it never changes. The sensation that was once thrilling and breathtaking is now something I can only describe as painful. I once described this feeling as some sort of euphoria and now, my tolerance is so built up that even the largest dosages leave me nauseous. It’s a cycle I need to break because it’s starting to wear on me. I’m not asking for pity nor am I trying to prove a point. This is just a snippet of my current feelings and if you’ve ever felt any of those things I’ve mentioned above, just know you’re not alone. Everything will be okay.

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