into the ocean

Well where to even begin? I’ve been one giant mess lately and it’s really starting to take its toll on me. I’m stressed out, I’m lost, and I’m confused as hell. I have so many questions about everything, about myself but I have no way of finding the answers and it’s absolutely terrifying. For a little while not too long ago, I thought I was sure of the person I wanted to be and I was confident in the person I was becoming. Now, everything is one big mystery to me. I thought I had a plan down for my future, and I’m realizing maybe that’s not what I want. It’s very stressful. I can’t sleep, I get distracted very easily, my mood is constantly fluctuating and it’s very hard to remain optimistic. My friends say I’m worrying too much and that I’m working myself too hard…but am I really? I don’t think so. What worries me the most is that I’m not sure what will bring me out of this funk. It’s not like it just started happening, it’s definitely been lingering around for quite some time and it’s now starting to manifest in the form of my actions and behaviors. I feel overwhelmed, like I’m drowning and can’t breathe. It’s extremely difficult to stay focused or even motivated. I never thought I’d have these issues. This is not the Sabrina I once knew and it scares me so much. I know things change and it’s normal, healthy even to question the path you’re on but my god, I haven’t a clue where I’m meant to go next. I feel miserable and it’s hard to stay dedicated to the plan I once so passionately created for myself. I’m so close to the finish line and I’m decided that I might want to take an alternate route. Like are you kidding me?? I don’t know. I’m just one giant fool who doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life. I know I’m so young, I can’t even legally drink alcohol yet though I feel like my time is running out. How dramatic, huh? I’m not sure if I need help. If there is any sign of a cry for help coming out of me.. This is it. I just pray that what I believe is a small case of self-doubt doesn’t turn into a spiraling case of a mental breakdown coming my way. I’m trying so hard to find something to latch onto, to take me away from these feelings of despair but it’s a little harder than I thought. I’m so disappointed with myself and it’s so hard to be anything but disgusted. And I hate it.


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