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Everything

Something’s really been up with me lately. I’m not sure what’s causing it, exactly. Is it the best of feelings? Not really, but it’s very interesting to say the least. As I’m going through this experience, I’m trying to reflect on every thought I have and why it is I may be having that thought. I’m learning about myself through the way I work through my problems, what could be any better?

I’ve never been one to really sit down and analyze the meanings or reasoning behind my actions and that leaves me with hardly any recollections from previous experiences on how to deal. It musn’t be that that hard to remember what I did previously and how I could apply it to my current situation, but I don’t think I would want to anyways. I’m a completely different person today than I was, say 5 years ago. I have a completely different outlook on life and I’m somewhat more in tuned with myself today rather than the former.

Reverting back to the present, however, I don’t think I’ve ever been so at a loss of feeling and sense of direction as for what I’m supposed to do.

Where am I to go from here? What’s next?

I definitely need a change in scenery (that’s always the case) but I’m very limited for many reasons. It’s not only financial, which I am well aware comes before anything as much as I wouldn’t want it to be; another is school. I’m so close to finishing and graduating and from there I’ll be able to move on to bigger and better things, or so I’d like to hope.

As of late, I’ve had a tendency to relate my age and my youth back to everything I seem to experience right now. It seems to be doing more bad than good and that’s unsettling to me. I’m caught between two very different perspectives and I owe it to my age, honestly. I am young. I’ve been saying it and I’ll probably keep saying it (even when I’m 80) because it’s true. These years are supposed to be the best of my life and I’m just about to enter into my 2nd decade of life, which is rumored to help shape me into the person I’m destined to become and I fully plan to take advantage of every opportunity and experience that comes my way. With that, though, is the possibility of feeling both pain and pleasure, which as much as people don’t want to experience pain, it’s a necessity for survival.

Back to the two perspectives I was mentioning: one is of pure independence and indulgence, the other is of utmost affection and union with another. But what is best for a person? Regardless of the confines that society tries to place on everyone, people still somewhat want to plan their lives according to the ways they’ve seen as they’ve grown up. For some, age is just a number. But for others, age really defines the situation. Call me old fashioned, but I am not wrong to feel what I feel.

To live out my twenties as an independent entity, focusing on myself and what happens next, taking on each challenge and obstacle as they come. Focusing on myself and my own personal growth. Getting to know more about myself and what I like and what I want out of this life. I only have this one, anyways. Contrary to this, I could experience these years with a valiant companion at my side. Traveling and adventuring the world together and feeling everything combined and never being alone. You can really learn a lot about yourself when it comes to being with someone else in terms of affection, financial relationships, chivalry, courtesy, support, and many other things which are necessary for being a human and interacting with others.

Both of these possibilities seem equally appealing to me and quite frankly, I’ve come to learn that it isn’t a good thing. I don’t know which I want to pursue and it’s really troubling me.

We don’t know what’s in store for us. I wish we did. I wish we could plan our lives out or at least have a glimpse as to whether or not we’re heading in the right direction. I’m a believer in destiny and I think what ever is meant to be will always find a way to come about. As for me, I’ve yet to figure out what I’m supposed to.

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