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Attachment

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And so it goes. As many of my friends would agree with this, I’ve always been that one person to somehow find myself in a new relationship shortly after one expires. I don’t consider this a bad thing at all. Though, I’ve been reading plenty of articles lately describing that this oftentimes renders someone highly susceptible to attachment. In my research, the answer for this is that the one becoming attached usually has a fear of being alone, which I can wholeheartedly admit to, but I haven’t enough time alone to figure out if that’s truly what I’m afraid of. Since I became the ripe age of what I remember being thirteen with my first boyfriend, up until now at the tender age of 20 (almost 21) I’ve had about eight years of practice and in those years, in between relationships, I have never been on my own for more than 4 months. I fall in love with everyone and everything.. loving just comes easy to me; it’s my purpose in this world. I can’t decipher, though, if attachment is a disease I’ll never be able to shake. In my current relationship, I am completely and irrevocably in love (thanks Twilight). I know this and believe in it 100%. There seems to come a point in all my relationships when I become very lovesick and I feel the sense of attachment increasing and I’ve yet to figure out if it’s healthy or not. All I want is to be around this person for hours, days, weeks on end. But that’s just my naive mind doing what it does best.. over romanticizing reality and desiring things that aren’t practical in the slightest sense. I don’t know how to overcome this feeling. It’s not that I’m unable to act on my own. I am fully capable of independence and making myself happy. In this instance, I’m not afraid of being alone in the grander scheme of things. I begin to have a burning passion for whom I’m in love with and I start to let it consume me. As unhealthy as that sounds, I can’t help it. I try so hard to resist and to no avail. My heart overrules my head and then I start to become highly emotional and lovesick. I am very good at hiding this now, especially after so long. But it’s a feeling that is always weighing down in my mind and it’s certainly a type of mania. I like to think of it as love, but I may as well just label it as attachment. Love is selfless and when you’re in love, you’re able to take on anything just knowing you have someone there. I feel that, indeed, but I desire physicality when I can get it and that’s very selfish of me. And I think I owe this to the way I was raised in that I’ve never been able to have enough of what I want and I just can’t get enough when I have it. I have an addiction and I have no way of coming off it.  And I’m not sure if I need help.

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