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reflection

That feeling I thought I had left behind months ago, visited me again tonight and brought back the worst memories. The ache in my stomach, the feeling of everything dropping inside, something I knew all too well, something I hope I would never have to experience again.

No, I couldn’t avoid it. It found it’s way to me and stroke a chord.

I’m not sure what or why this is all happening.. surely it must be a test of my strength and honestly, given my past experiences.. it’s not worth trying to end this stalemate.

The silence is all too loud and it’s pretty obvious there’s tension and I don’t do well with tension. I don’t know what to do in these kinds of situations which I become the outsider and my very existence becomes the reason I feel this way.

Sometimes I really hate myself. I hate how socially awkward I am and I hate the fact that I have zero confidence. I hate that I’m the one preventing myself from these things and I’m pretty sure this will never change. I thought I could avoid it and just never do anything that could stimulate or trigger this feeling again but it seems like I can’t stop.

It’s already too far in to quit now, tho that sounds all the more appealing. It sucked last time, it’ll suck this time and it’s so lame. I wish it didn’t have to be this way and I wish I could do something about it, but I’m just not there yet.

So where do I go from here? I’m not sure. This internal struggle is trying to get the best of me and I just need time to really weigh my options and figure all this out while I can.

I hate when this happens. I thought I was done with this and the fact that it’s happening all over again makes me want to escape all of this and just be alone again. I knew what I wanted, I liked who I was, I was content with everything I put myself through.

I really need to think about things.

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