There are so may things I want to say to you but I will probably never be able to because you won’t want to hear it or you simply won’t understand. No offense, but there’s a lot you need to learn.. especially about me.
You’re supposed to be the one who knows me the best, the one I want to go to for anything and everything. Lately, though, I feel as if we don’t know each other. We haven’t been on the same wave length in who knows how long and I’ll be honest, it’s having real devastating effects on our relationship. It’s more painful for me than what it probably looks like. You’re supposed to be my all, my rock, my support, and back bone.. but you’re not anymore.
I can tell you’re having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I’m growing up, I get it. I’ll probably be the same way, but definitely not in the way that you are.
As much as I love you, you’re so close minded. You have only one way of thinking and doing things that you aren’t ever open to something new, something to challenge your own views on life. I wish you could open your eyes to everything around you and not be so sheltered.
There was a time when you knew everything about me. Now? I’m not so sure that’s the case.
Do you know that I love my job? Do you know that pretty much all of my friends come from work now? Do you know that I try really hard to be a friend to everyone, no matter what? Do you know that I try to be there for everyone, no matter what? Do you know what I like to do in my free time?
The answer is no. You never ask and when I try to tell you, you don’t care. You think many of my beliefs are childish and stupid.
You make me feel as if you have all these expectations and standards of me and all I ever do is fail you. I wish I could just make you happy, but it seems like all I’ve done lately is make you the opposite.
The truth of the matter is that I’m growing up and I know it’s hard for you but you need to accept it and deal with it. I’m not a child and I’m capable of making smart decisions. I was a good kid, I never gave you any grief. But now, I’m a good person. I’m smart of enough to not put myself in risky situations. You think all I want to do is put myself in danger or some circumstances that would ruin my life. If you think that of me, then we are nowhere near each other on the playing field because you would know I have absolutely no intention of ruining my life. That would be pure stupidity and if you ever believe I’m inclined to that life style, well then you are, unfortunately, painfully misunderstood.
I try so hard for you but I’m tired of molding myself just to make you happy. The countless times you’ve yelled at me have hurt in the past, and had you done this to me a couple years ago, I would have broke. Now, however, when we get into these debacles, it just solidifies the fact that I never want to be like you.
I will allow my own to express themselves in a safe and accepting environment. I will never let my own feel like a failure if they don’t meet high standards. I will let my own be their own without the feeling of guilt.
All I want in this life is to be a good person and contribute good intentions into the world. I want to make it a better place and not sustain this negative single-minded perspective. I love everyone and if anyone ever comes to me with a problem, I have every single hope of helping them out because that’s what people need. We need each other and if you haven’t realized that, then please don’t stump my growth. I won’t let you.
If this continues the way it is, then I can’t promise our relationship will ever be the same. We are becoming two different people and that’s just what happens in this funny thing we call life. I won’t stop my development for the sake of keeping what we had because even then when things were okay, I was still trapped.
I change every day. My mind is constantly working and learning new things and befriending new people on a daily basis and that’s the way I enjoy living. I don’t want to shut people out, ever. I lived probably half of my life doing that and it was so miserable. But you will never be able to understand what I mean by that.
I hope one day we will both be able to find solace in all of this. But until then, these words will probably never meet your face, not any time soon.
I just hope one day you’ll be proud of the fighter inside me to never succumb to anyone else’s way of thinking but my own. Every time you yell at me, it just makes me stronger and that much more confident about the person I want to be in the future. So thank you, in a twisted way, for that.
My last wish for all this is that I hope Tommy never has to feel this way. That’s why I’m here.